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March 11, 2007

長い道のり・・・・

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最近、実家に帰っておらず・・・もちろん、不妊治療再開しだしたことは知ってるがあまり経過とかは
話してなかった・・・・。
母はよく私に夫婦二人だけの生活でもいいじゃない!!どうして病院に行くの?行かないと本当に
子供はできないの?と私がすることに対していつも反対意見を言う・・・。
(あwwまた始まった・・・だから実家に足が遠のくんじゃないかあ)と思う。
自然妊娠・・・・そんなこと一番理想的だ・・・・。
そんなのいつに待ったらできるのだ・・・。治療したってできない体だとわかっていて自然妊娠なんて奇跡の奇跡だ!!
夫婦二人だけの生活・・・そこに不満はない!!でも、楽しいからそこに家族を増やしたいって願うことがそんなにいけないことなのだろうか??
母は言う・・・。「あなたは未熟児で産まれてきて知恵もつかない子じゃないか?って心配したりとみんなに心配されたりしてきたのだから今生きてることに感謝しなさいね」。。。。。裏には『今のままでいいじゃない』と言っている・・・・。母だから私を気遣ってくれるのだろうか?心配してるのだろうか?
母は、一つ忘れている・・・・。「母が母になった時のこと」「初めて子供が出来たとき」・・・。それができないかもしれない娘の気持ちを・・・・・。母にとって私はいつまでたっても子供は子供なのかもしてない・・・。女として生まれてきて母になれないなんて・・・・悲しい・・・。「お母さんは経験できて・・・私にはできない・・・」なんて言葉が頭を過ぎった・・・・。なんで、わかってくれないんだろう・・・。他の選択を進めるのだろう・・・・。それは親だからだろうか???
でも、私は今日言った・・・。「夫婦二人の生活を考えるのは可能性がなくなった時だよ」「私は可能性がある限りあきらめない」。今日、母に言った決意は母にどううつったのだろうか・・・・・。
また、きっと母は私が実家に帰り、不妊治療の話をすれば・・・やはり、夫婦二人の生活を勧めるのだろう・・・・。きっと、一つの選択として母の「優しさ」なのかもしれない・・・・・。
でも、私は泣いても泣いても諦めない!!可能性がある限り♪

投稿者 ajisai : March 11, 2007 08:33 PM

コメント

 はなのお母さんは痛いほどわかってるんやと思うよ。はなの気持ちわかってるからこそ、そうやって言うんやと思うよ。
自分の娘やもん・・わかってはると思う。
私の親戚の姉は40歳過ぎて九州の有名な婦人科まで行って体外受精を受けて子どもを授かったよ。親戚の姉は人工的に生まれたってわかったら子どもが悲しんだらアカンし、子どもにはナイショにしとくねんって言ってたけど・・それはそれで「縁」やったんやと思う。
はなも一人前の大人の女性やねんもん、思うように納得するまで頑張ればいいと思うよ。

投稿者 凪 : March 12, 2007 09:49 AM

凪 あたたかいコメントありがとうございます♪人工的に授かるって知ると子供はショックなのかな??でも、時期がきて・・理解できる時に話せればいいな♪私はまだ見ぬ子供を夢見てます♪♪ところで・・・関西弁って・・・あったかい感じがするね・・・・♪今、ドリカムも関西弁の曲だしたよねwww♪^^なんかかわいい感じがして好きです♪余談でした^^;;;

投稿者 ajisai : March 12, 2007 07:05 PM

 人工的治療で授かっても自信持ってお子に伝えれば大丈夫って私は思うよ。
あぁ~大阪弁ねぇ~(笑) ついつい真剣な話とかしてると思いっきり出てまうねぇ~
私もドリカムの大阪ラバー好きっ!!!

投稿者 凪 : March 13, 2007 01:19 AM

凪 そだそだ!!「大阪ラバー」だ・・・・。タイトル思い出せなかったのだ・・・・汗。うん♪私も自信をもって伝えられるように今を頑張る♪

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